I wanted to disorient myself,

without drugs, without alcohol

I wanted to wake up with no idea where I was,

I wanted that feeling

of being somewhere you aren't supposed to be,

somewhere, outside your comfort zone

a sudden shock to remind me I'm still breathing

a state of panic to give me something to fix

something to worry about,

get my hands all nice and dirty

and to forget that there is nothing

but still, I wanted to be comfortable,

still, I wanted to be safe

I wanted to cheat and lie about it

so I quit sleeping,

awake at all costs

and one night, I see him

so I know it's time,

because I see him

I walk downstairs

and sit in the shower

Here, I fall asleep

to wake up in the morning

and wonder where I am

autumn passes, and still, you're too afraid to jump

or fall, depending on how you see it

right now, I'm only waiting for the frost

To pass the time,

I make up a story, in my head

I make it up because I want the feeling

of following a sign

Because I want the feeling

of being taken,

being lead somewhere important,

to discover something important

and be a part of anything

so I quit breathing

until my eyes get heavy

more so with thought than with fatigue

and I wonder...

[I don't know it,

but my head is bruised

against the floor]

finally, I start to wander

to find myself a rabbit,

or a hare, if I can't find one

I can't be too picky

when I find him, I run

fast,

hard,

without

stopping

in his direction

until he runs from me, afraid

where he runs, this is where I go

to be lead somewhere important

to discover something important

so long as I believe my story